I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
