i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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