addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
