She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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