Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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