...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
