I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
