Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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