the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Randomize
