Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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