im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
why do cheetos always look like penises
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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