i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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