Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
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I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
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there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.