She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No Oneâ€™s Around
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
can we not compare my dick to a childrenâ€™s folk tale
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.