he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign