mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it