I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
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"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
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I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window