Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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