She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
