FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
