Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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