My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I touched a dick in church today
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
