well most of my day revolves around power hour
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
