You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
