i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
