i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
