I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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