I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
