Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
