Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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