He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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