I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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