also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
