bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
