Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
