The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
