I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
