If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
