i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
