Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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