nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
