if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
