i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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