Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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