ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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