Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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