Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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