hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
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My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
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That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
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