Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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