i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
