I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
