why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
