no, he came in my armpit
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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