apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
