if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
