Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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