My nipple is on Facebook.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I still have a little drunk in my system
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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