He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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