my phone needs a breathalizer
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
