I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Randomize
