After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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