I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
